The Holy Shrek Bible
The Sacred Swamp Scrolls
Version 1.0.0
Book of Swampesis

Chapter 1: The Genesis of the Ogre

    In the beginning, there was Mud.

    And the Mud birthed the Swamp, and the Swamp birthed the Ogre. And the Ogre was named Shrek.

    And Shrek looked upon the Swamp, and he saw that it was good.

    He farted, and the air was sanctified.

    From the onion he did peel, and the truth of layers was revealed.

    Thus spoke Shrek: “Ogres are like onions. They have layers.”

    And those words were etched into the bark of the oldest tree, the Tree of Burps.

Book of Donkeynomy

Chapter 1: The Talking Ass

    And lo, a Donkey came forth, loud of mouth and swift of foot.

    He spoke without pause, and Shrek said unto him, “You’re annoying.”

    But Donkey stayed, for his loyalty knew no bounds.

    He bore witness to the miracles of Shrek and became the First Disciple.

    And the Donkey saith, “You gotta love yourself before anyone else can ride your back to safety.”

    And Shrek rolled his eyes, and the heavens trembled.

Book of Farquadiah

Chapter 1: The Tyrant and the Quest

    There came a man, small in stature but great in ego, named Lord Farquaad.

    He exiled all fairy tale beings into Shrek’s Swamp, for he was a prick.

    Shrek, disturbed in his sanctified solitude, went forth to restore peace to his bog.

    A quest began: to retrieve the Princess Fiona.

    And lo, many ass-kickings were delivered.

Book of Fionatha

Chapter 1: The Curse and the Kiss

    Fiona, daughter of royalty, imprisoned in a tower guarded by a dragon with major attachment issues.

    She was cursed to wear beauty by day and ogredom by night.

    Shrek did not judge, for he too bore layers.

    They fought, they flirted, they farted.

    And Shrek said unto Fiona, “Better out than in.”

    And thus, true love’s gross burp broke the curse.

    Fiona remained ogre, for beauty is in the eye of the swamp-holder.

Book of Onions

Chapter 1: The Doctrine of Layers

    The Onion is the symbol of ogredom.

    It has layers, as do pain, truth, and lasagna.

    To peel an onion is to embrace vulnerability.

    To chop it is to know suffering.

    To eat it raw is to know power.

    Shrek saith, “If you want to know me, peel the damn onion.”

    And all who peeled it wept, not just from sulfur.

Book of Smashiah

Chapter 1: Deliver Us from Disney

    The Ogre rose from the bog and entered into combat.

    Many princes were suplexed.

    Many dragons were seduced.

    Pop songs were sung, ironically and then unironically.

    And lo, Smash Mouth declared, “Hey now, you’re an all-star.”

    This was the anthem of the chosen.

    And Shrek became the Meme Messiah.

Book of Aftermath

Chapter 1: Peace in the Swamp

    The kingdom was restored. The swamp was returned.

    Donkey married a dragon. No one questioned the mechanics.

    Shrek and Fiona raised ogrelings who screamed with righteous fury.

    Every fart was a benediction.

    Every belch, a hymn.

    And thus, the Holy Swamp stood eternal.

    Those who enter with open hearts and closed noses shall be blessed.

Final Commandments of Shrek

    Thou shalt not trust those without mud on their boots.

    Thou shalt speak plainly, fart proudly, and bathe weekly.

    Thou shalt honor thine own layers.

    Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s onion.

    Thou shalt never, ever question the love between a dragon and a donkey.